I Love Old People

I love old people. They can say things that younger people can't say and get away with it. People just smile and nod at them. It's like kids too. Old people and kids, they can be forgiven for saying anything.

Today, I was on a plane (for more on that click here). One of 3 flights today and there was a lady talking loudly on a cell phone as she is walking down the aisle. There was this older gentleman already in his seat. The line got held up by some idiot who could not figure how to pull his head out of his butt put his bag up in the overhead bin.  Jeez, doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out...IT IS TOO BIG!

Where was I? Oh, this rude bitch lady was getting louder and getting on everyone's nerves. I was ready to punch her but that would mean putting my Kindle down and having to rise out of my seat. And punching isn't a good thing on a plane. Ok, I really would not have done it but I like to fantasize.

"Hey lady, you are yelling in my ear", the old guy says rather loudly.

Total silence.

She ends her call.

That is why I love old people. I think we all need to start to think like old people and act in the manner in which we wish others would act. That way we don't irritate others and as Rodney King would say...

"Can't we all just get along?"

And they wonder why there are so many people that don't want cell phones allowed on the plane. Good example of why I don't want it. This guy, I will refer to as Douche of the Day.

He was at MSP airport standing by one of the food courts on his Iphone (substitute for manhood?) just spewing about nothing but profanity and acting like a Trump wannabe. It was disgusting. Imagine sitting next to him on a plane for 2 hours. I would kill him and be sent to prison never to see my family again. So, what do I do? Walk past and exclaim...

"What a douche!"

He lost his train of thought and just looked at me. My job for mankind was done for today.

You're welcome.

Poor Fashion Choices=Easy Target

I am not a fashion plate. I do not buy the latest fashions and I don't spend a ton of money on my clothes. But what I do buy, I try to make sure they fit good and look better. But, there are just some fashion choices that make me go "HUH"?

Different strokes for different folks? I get that, really. I do. But certain things just are not ok. Writing on the sweatpants ala Pink by Victoria's Secret, acceptable in most instances. Notice I said MOST, not all. There are some people that should not wear writing on their butts!

This lady, for example, from a distance, they look like a funky print.

Now look a little closer, closer....

I think (operative:THINK) it says peace. I wasn't moving fast enough to catch up since I was schlepping my bags..But not only are the pants horrendous but she is barefoot! In an airport! That is just too nasty for words.

This guy must have a wife or girlfriend who hates him. "Honey, it looks really good when you wear blaze orange shorts with your matchy shoes!" The picture doesn't even show the brightness as good as if you were right there. I got my sunglasses out.

Now, you guess the next one. Look closely at the one on the right. Guy or girl? See the hair?

Double take!!! Its a dude! I want to ask how he keeps his locks long and luscious! Ok, not!

There we so many more! It was like the auditions for "What Not toWear" was visiting Detroit Metro yesterday! I also saw two women who thought it was a wise choice to wear a lace shirt over just the bra. The only time this is okay is if you are attending a party at the Playboy Mansion.Cripes. I have said it before and I will say it again...buy yourself a mirror or find better friends if they tell you "sure, it's cute". 

The Girls Need Support

Girls, they need support. They need their friends, their family, their spouse for support. They help to uplift and keep us girls happy. What happens if the girls don't get support? They get droopy and sad. The other "girls" also get droopy and sad if they don't get sufficient support.

I did a lot of people watching today and was amazed at the number of women whose girls were just flopping around as they walked (or ran) through the airport. It made my chest hurt just watching them. Seriously ladies, I don't care if you are a B cup or a NN cup. A good bra is your friend!

Not only would it do wonders for how your clothes fit but it will give you support and the weight won't pull on your shoulders and upper back. Face it ladies, boobs can be a pain in the back!

Question 100 guys and I bet the majority of them would say that the first they they noticed (if they were truly honest) is a woman's breasts. Whether they are perky or droopy, full or flat, it is what make a woman a woman and guys notice them. Wouldn't you rather have them look at you as a whole than judge you by whats on your chest?

"Guys, eyes are up here."

You don't have to anorexic to have great boobs. You just need the right bra. Kind of like the IPhone, there's an app for that. Fried eggs on your chest? There's a bra for that. Full breasts off to the side? There's a bra for that. Droopers? There's a bra for that. I think you get my point.

The best gift to your girls? Get a bra fitting from a professional. Yes, it is weird and awkward but I have done it and found that I was in the wrong size. I am glad I did it! Keep looking and trying on bras. What works for my 19 year old daughter may not work for me. (If you thought you heard a bit of jealousy, you did!)

Get noticed for you, not your boobs or lack of girl support.

(.) (.)

The girls thank you.

p.s. Don't forget to do your mammograms and self breast exams!

Rockin' the Yoga Pants?

In case you missed it the first time around. I will be posting again this week but as I am heading out this morning to the beautiful state of Pennsylvania, I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off! And if you head over to my other blog, you will see why I wish I could cut my head off!

http://tinastraveltrials.blogspot.com/

The World According to Me: Rockin' the Yoga Pants?: "You have seen it, the person at the mall who thinks they rock the yoga pant. Really, its more like a boulder in the yoga pants. And I ain't ..."

Happy Easter

Happy Easter!!!

Massage Virgin No Longer

I had my first massage today. It was all I was expecting and more.

I went to the Elysium Salon and Dayspa and saw Devyn. She shook my hand (can we say death grip?!?!)  and I just knew it was going to be good. The smells were amazing. It smelled like I was walking through a garden on Maui!

The table was prewarmed, sheets were soft. Heaven. As she started kneading the knots out of my back, all I could think of is how much I wish I could be her client everyday!

For an hour, I had an amazing massage from head to toe. She found muscles that were balled up like little truffles, only not as sweet and got them to melt completely away as if they were indeed made of chocolate.

Ok, the only thing that would have made it better was if Devyn was some hot, muscular Matthew McConaughey look-alike. But then, my eyes were closed most of the time anyway, so it didn't really matter.

To say I am hooked is an understatement. I think I found my new addiction. There could be worse things to be addicted to. Like plastic surgery, drugs or alcohol. I am trying to convince my hubby that I need one monthly. Maybe I can convince my boss that it would be mutually beneficial to let me expense one each month. Call it Mental Health Assurance.

To top the day off, we went to Red Lobster for dinner. A bit of shopping, nails done, a massage, dinner out. What else could top of the day? Hmmmm....dessert.

Me Day

I haven't had a me day for a while. In fact, I can't remember the last time I had one. Most of my me days consist of getting the house clean and possibly grocery shopping.

Today, will mostly be a me day. I am going to have my finger nails done and taking advantage of my birthday present from my daughter. She bought me a one hour full body massage! Do I have a great daughter or what?

I have never had more than a simple back rub from my husband so I have no idea what to expect. I admit, I am a bit nervous.

What underwear should I wear? Should I make sure that I have done proper landscaping? Oh dang, my toe polish looks like crap? Will they notice? Will the masseuse be a guy? (The name is Devon...can go both ways!) If it is, will he be hot?

These are all the things that are running through my head right now and it's making me tense just thinking about it.

So I will do what I always do. Overachieve. I will wear my normal underwear...no thong but make sure I don't have VPL. I will shave my legs and make sure my bikini line is crisp and neat. I will re-polish my toes. Or should I just see if they can fit me in for a pedicure? Decisions, decisions.

In reality, I just don't want them to talk behind my back when I leave.

"Did you see her toenails, was that a fungus or chipping polish?"
"OMG, has she ever shaved her legs?"

Nope, not gonna happen to me.

Here's to you having your me day....What is your dream me day?

Calming Influence? Me?

There are certain words that I never thought I would hear when describing me. One in particular: 

Calm.

You read that right. Me, calm? Yeah, right. Only if they changed the definition in the dictionary. 

I was surprised to hear it myself. I was talking with someone today and they said that they were glad I was going to be going to our clients next week with the group as I would be a calming influence on my coworkers. I was floored. I had never been described this way. And I mean NEVER.

It may take me a little time to get used to this.

It got me thinking. I used to be the mom who yelled all the time. Over everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. Kids didn't pick up their rooms? I yelled. Kids weren't ready for school? I yelled. I had turned into a cranky mom. And I didn't want to be that way.

Now? I still get cranky but I realize that I don't yell much anymore. Am I really calmer? What caused the change? I would like to say that I had an epiphany and made a decision but I think it was a gradual change.

So what happened? I just stopped being so concerned about the little things. Son wanted to go to school in January only wearing a sweatshirt? He will be the one cold, not me. Their room is dirty? They are on another floor and I don't have to see it.

Now, when I do have to yell, it means something. Just ask my son. He will tell you. I can still bellow with the best of them.

My yelling was becoming the norm and they shut me out. I was just background noise.

So, yes. I am calm. I will live it, embrace it and love it.

When Something Doesn't Work~ Using Support

Working in computer based Customer Support can be as frustrating as trying to figure out why your newborn baby is crying. You have fed her, changed her diaper, made sure she isn't too hot or too cold. And yet, she still cries. You get more frustrated the longer she cries. The more frustrated you get, the more she cries. It is a vicious cycle.

Customer support can be like that. You think you are asking all of the right questions, in all the right ways but you just can't seem to figure out what they are trying to tell you.

I have found that it isn't always what you ask and what they tell you but what they DON'T tell you that is most important. So here are some tips for users of customer support that can be used regardless of the topic.

1. If you did something you know you should not have, and then it broke, please tell me. I promise not to yell at you for doing something to it. It will help me to help you.

2. If you tried to fix it yourself, please tell me what you did. If you swapped cables but didn't know what you were swapping, let's work together to put them back in the same spot. Then we can start fresh.

3. Yes, I KNOW you already tried that. Can you try it again using my directions? You would be surprised at how many calls can be shortened because you may have missed one eensy-weensy little step when you were doing it by yourself. It doesn't mean that you don't know what you are doing, it just means that you are human. 

4. If you dropped the device in the toilet and send it in because it doesn't work, please let us know before we open the package and use our bare hands to handle it. Have you seen what is in some of those toilets? And yes, we can tell when there is water damage, so please don't try to deny it.

5. Please don't get angry when we pass you to someone else. It only means that your issue is beyond our expertise.

6. Read the help files. Seriously, I am not kidding. You would be amazed at what was in there.

7. If you are having an issue with a product or software and it is not one of our products, please call the correct company. Really, we don't like having to tell you that we don't support that particular product.

8. Surprisingly enough, it is the simple things that fix a lot of issues. Don't get defensive when we ask you to check the power or the connections.

9. Don't call in the middle of the night to just "report" a problem if you don't have any intention of working with us. Many smaller companies have people who answer calls at night AND have to work the next day. We are more than happy to help you, but don't just call in for FYI sake.

10. Last but not least...we are not in the business for the glory of it all. (What little there is!) BUT...a thank you once in a while really goes a long way. Especially if you are a frequent caller, the person you get on the other end may have a better attitude to help you.

A little sense of humor helps too.

Yogurt Heaven

Disclaimer: this is not an ad. I did not receive any compensation in any form. I just love the stuff!

About 18 months ago, I was in on one of my health kick cycles. These cycles come and go based on where I am in life. A friend told me about Chobani Greek yogurt and how it had more protein than the other brands and how it tasted so much better.

Mid-morning snack

I normally notice new products on the grocery store shelves and I hadn't seen this brand before. So, I went on a mission. I looked high and low and could not find Chobani ANYWHERE! I tried the other Greek yogurts and just did not find one that I liked. They just tasted like a glorified version of the sickening sweet "normal" versions.

I kept looking and FINALLY! My favorite store started carrying it. After the failures of the others to live up to my tastes, I only bought one cup, in strawberry.

I could barely contain myself! (I know...over yogurt of all things!) The only reason I didn't open it in the car was because I didn't have a spoon and didn't feel like eating it with my fingers. DH would be very unhappy with a sticky steering wheel.

In great anticipation, I peeled the foil topping off and was met by a thick, creamy goodness. I plunged the spoon in to reveal the fruity bottom.

Round and round, I stirred it into a creamy, pink swirl.

The first taste? I would like to say that at that moment, I was hit with heavenly delights; but I wasn't. I found it interesting, tasty and good. Did I like it? Yes, I did. However, after years of eating what passes for yogurt now days, it was like an assault on my senses.

I closed my eyes and let it melt. It was yogurt the way I remembered it as a kid, so long ago. It was thick, creamy and had that yogurty tang that said you were eating something other than thickened sugared milk.

I was hooked.

Do I like every flavor? I would be lying if I said I did. I also haven't tried every flavor they offer because the stores around here don't carry all of the flavors and there are some flavors that I just don't like.

My favorites are:

• Raspberry
• Black Cherry
• Strawberry
• Blueberry

And now? So many people have discovered this little bit of heaven in a cup that there is a shortage. There are signs in all of my grocery stores and I have seen empty shelves. 

And cried.

Anyone Seen a Rat?

My son lost his rat today. If you ask him though, he would say he temporarily misplaced it.

I was not thrilled when he begged and pleaded for a rat. I swore that I would never touch the thing, clean it's cage or worry about it.

That lasted about a minute.

I still don't clean it's cage. But I do worry about it and let it run around, steal my food (!) and play with him. He is a fun little guy.

My son comes running into my office today. "Mom, I can't find Bullet!".
"Where did you have him last?"
"I had his cage open when I was on Skype and he must have climbed out."

So off we go to his room...calling for a rat. If you ever wondered, no, they don't come when they are called. Crinkling the spinach bag, no response.

Yelling at my son, still no response. Walking through the house crinkling food bags and nothing.

"Are you sure you didn't have him upstairs?" I ask him.
"I did earlier, but I brought him down."

I go into the upstairs living room and start going through the blankets. First blanket? No Bullet. Under the pillow? No Bullet. Look at the blanket folded on the back of the couch nicely (I know, wonders never cease!) and think, no way!

I start peeling the layers of the blankets. Layer one, no Bullet. Layer two, no Bullet. Layer three? BULLET! There you are! He looks at me with accusing eyes as if saying "You interrupted my nap!".

My son retrieves his rat as I lecture him about responsibility.

 I return to my office, and breathe a sigh of relief. Crisis averted. Until the next time, after all, my son IS a blonde.

BTW....for full disclosure. I am a blonde but my son exudes blondeness, but I love him.

Diet Coke, Flaming Hot Cheetos and Dairy Queen

This week was so bad that I had to adopt the mantra "Just get through the day". What started out as a simple trip to work with some great people slowly turned into a congealed mess of bodily waste.

I should have known something was up when I had a Diet Coke and Flamin' Hot Cheetos craving on Wednesday morning at 7:30. It was like an omen. The flames from the Cheetos = flames from hell? I should have just turned around and went back to bed. But I blissfully believed my engineers would not let me down. Besides, I was already 120 miles from home and I still had Ikea to look forward to.

Mistake number 1? Believing my engineers wouldn't let me down. The "no worries" mentality just plain scares me. Mistake number 2? Believing that I would get to Ikea. This is the part that truly disappoints me. So close, yet so far.

At the end of the work day on Wednesday, I was getting teased about only eating a piece of gum all day. Can't say that I blame them because they didn't see me wolf down half a bag of Cheetos before I got to their site. Coffee, Cheetos, gum and Diet Coke...what's wrong with that? I wanted Korean BBQ but when I did a search it came up with this list. Really? Look closely.

The day ended with a little bit of file hacking and a sigh of relief that at least I had a work-around. They don't call me the work-around queen for nothing! I did end up at Outback Steakhouse at about 8:00 that night but I probably shouldn't have finished off the bag of Cheetos on my way there. I really should have tried for Ikea...even if it would have been 30 minutes. It would have been my fix.

Thursday wasn't any better. The no worries adage lived on and after 8 hours of diddling...I finally get sent home feeling beat up. 3 hours on the road, starving and rush hour. Seriously? This calls for immediate action. Well, not so immediate as traffic sucks. But there is light at the end of the tunnel and it is chocolate covered, whipped cream, ice creamy goodness.

I drowned my sorrows in chocolate and ice cream, drove all the way home and cried myself to sleep knowing it would be a month before I get to Ikea. Life is so unfair.

The Shoe Whore

Shoes...one of my addictions. I don't drink, I don't do drugs (unless we start qualifying caffeine) and I don't overeat, most of the time. The one thing I do do is shoes.

Flats, heels, boots, flip flops, athletic shoes...you name it, I covet them if they can cover my feet AND they look cute. It is a plus if they feel good too, but thats not a deal breaker.

I work with a gal, who will remain nameless, that I refer to as my Shoe Madame. She provides me with shoe websites to peruse so I can drool all over my keyboard. I tell my husband that the letters are worn off from my nails but in reality, its the drool. Gross, huh?

We all know about Zappos.com and Shoebuy and my other favorite, Amazon but this new one...it's like I have died and gone to heaven.Today, she fed my addiction with 6pm.com. She got this from the Shoe Pimp in the other cubicle...Seriously, this site makes me swoon. The clearance store especially!

Calvin Klein heels for $44.70? Yes please. Pink and Silver Betsey Johnson strappy heels for $65? Oh yes...Leopard print BeBe pumps $59.98?...please and thank you, may I have another? It's almost as good as sex. Almost!

It's a darn good thing that I have willpower or we would be in the poor house with my shoe purchases. I cleaned out my closet last year and parted ways with shoes that I grew tired of. I counted the pairs of black shoes...just black.

How many pairs of black shoes do you think I had? If you guessed 10, you would have been wrong. 15? Nope, still wrong. I had 23 pairs of black shoes.

The worst part of this shoe addiction is that I live in winter wonderland for 6 months of the year, work from home and don't have any places to wear fun shoes. Not that that stops me or anything but it does slow me down. So, I add to my boot collection and these are my favorites...got them for a steal on Ebay and I am truly sad that winter is over. They are FitFlop boots! LOVE THEM!

Yes, you can call me the shoe whore. I fully wear that crown with pride.

Lights On For Safety!

We had fog this weekend...LOTS of fog. It was the spooky, thick white fog that stopped anyone from seeing more that 10 feet in front of you.

Driving is always tricky up here in da' nort when there's fog. Why is that?

Because people are dumb! Not just clueless or inconsiderate of others...just dumb.

I don't always agree with every law that is passed but this is one law that I wish they would enforce, even if it is to give a warning. The lights are not meant to help you to see through the fog but for other drivers, walkers, flyers (hey, you never know when you may see me on a broom!). It's so we can see YOU!

I know, it's a crazy concept! It's not so bad when you are driving down a straight-away until.....
Whoa....some Nervous Nellie Grandma or Grandpa driving 30 mph in a 55 zone with no lights on just suddenly appears in front of you! Brakes hit, tires screeching...metal crunching...who needs that? I don't...I have a teenager driver...don't need any insurance premium increases!

So if you pass me along the road and I blink my lights at you...I am not flirting with you...it just means your lights are not on and it's just too difficult to reach out and touch you with my fist!

Lights on for safety!

Work at Home..What Part of Work Do you Not Get?

I work at home. Yes, I am a wife and mom and that work counts for a lot. But I also have to work for a living. this is where it is a bit of a dilemma.

I am extremely fortunate to have a job where I can roll out of bed, grab a cup of coffee and shuffle into my home office in my pajamas! Most days I love, love, love this arrangement. But there are THOSE days...

You know the ones where your hubby or kids think that the world revolves around them and their whims and just because you are present that you should just expect to wait on them? Working from home just adds to the number of those.

"Mom, can you bring me to school?"
"Honey, can you run and get this for me today?"
"Can you wash my clothes that I need for after school today"

Or worse...MOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM! From the other room when I am on the phone... THAT however, is another story, for another day....

UM...hello...I have a job that requires me to be available....

Take today for example. It is a Friday so my hubby has the day off. We are embarking on a slow update to the house. The current project is my home office. It has been painted (I did it all, btw) so his part is new flooring. If you work from a  home office full time you know how much SHTUFF accumulates around you...try being a techno-geek who works for a medical equipment manufacturer!


He is bored and wants to get started...can't wait until 4 when I get off...NO! Gotta do it now...So, despite my day going to the dogs...I grudgingly unplug my phone, two routers, computer, monitor, battery back up and removable drives and move to the dining room. OMG...it took 30 minutes to move it and get it all set back up again! Temporary insanity, because when he finishes the floor...it all has to go back! It only took me 10 years to get it just so....I know, I hear the whine in my voice too...

Current cable mess!

Don't get me wrong, I am happy that he is doing this for me...but did he have to do it today?

If you are a work at home mom...tell me what your pet peeve is....leave me comment. I would love to hear from you!

Birthdays~They make you feel old!

Birthdays...we all have them. But why is it that the numbers make us feel so darn old?

No, it's not my birthday today. It's my daughter's. She turns 19 at 4:27 pm today. Not 4:00, not midnight, but 4:27 PM...I need to stay feeling a little young for a little while longer, gimme a break!

Why is it that your kid's birthdays inevitably make you feel older than your own birthdays do?

With my daughter...it just reminds me of when I was 19, a size 0 (don't hate), just married (huh?) and still got carded if I went to buy a lottery ticket. And THAT, my friends, is what makes me feel old. It's the "I remember being that age and wish I could turn back time" wah story! Cher sings about it, if I could just find a way....those were the days...

How old am I? Don't you know to never ask a woman that question (insert eye-roll here)? No, I wasn't 16 when I had her; but neither did I follow in the footsteps of people that started their child-rearing in their 40's. Child-rearing...that word really belongs on the list of words society could do without...

I digressed...sorry, the Ritalin didn't start working yet, it's still early.

Anyway, I am only 42...and while I am not a size 0 anymore, I don't think I look too bad for my age but then again, I have been meaning to get to the eye doctor for some new glasses. I think I put that off because I am afraid to really see the details in the mirror...I mean, really...why can't I have that plastic surgery? Oh yeah, a little thing called MONEY. So if you want to donate to my plastic surgery...you can donate here.

So happy birthday to my dear daughter...thanks for making me feel old!

Whale Tails~ A preventable tragedy

Whale tails...a simple little term that holds a few definitions. According animal biology, it is the appendage by which a whale is propelled through the ocean. According to human fashion biology, it is defined as the the thong taking a peek out of the jeans to see what it's missing. There is even a website dedicated to this phenomenon!

Am I immune to whale tale? I have to sadly admit that I am not immune. Does this mean that I proudly display my tail? Heck no! But there has been moments when I am at home, slipping on my shoes that it decides to peek out. Unfortunately my daughter is usually around and is strangely drawn to grabbing it and pulling! Let me tell you...NOT the most comfortable feeling in the world. It lends a whole new name to mega-wedgie!

I do, however, make sure to inoculate myself when I am in public! I never understood how these girls cannot feel the cool breeze blowing at the top of their crack. Sometimes it is just appetite robbing when you see it....What is truly sad is that some of these girls have friend or relatives who don't alert them to this tragedy. Case in point...this victim was eating at BWW with her mom. Mom gets up, goes to the bathroom and walks right past with the tail waving hello! Does mom even mention it? Nope, better to be oblivious and ruin other diners appetites. These are the people who won't tell you if you have boogers hanging out of your nose...are they really friends if they don't say something? 

So girls, (sorry guys, I know you like this for some odd reason!) just say no to this preventable tragedy! Get longer shirts, pull your jeans up...go commando. I really don't care...I just don't want to see this!

This should be the only whale tail visible!

VPL....Code for Visible Panty Lines

VPL...this is the only time I will ever say panty...unless I want to get on my darling daughter's nerves since "panty" is on her list of WORDS YOU DON'T SAY. If you want to see more of these words, just look for my posting from yesterday! BTW- guys...there is a VPL for you too and that is a no-no!

From Photobucket. Courtesy of Million68

VPL used to be for everyone...except for strippers. They knew of the benefits of g-strings before the rest of us. And I am not talking about the dollar bills stuck along the waistband either! Remember the '80s when the first go-round of skinny jeans was in? And if you could't find peg leg jeans, you made them by rolling and safety pinning them? Girbaud jeans in particular? Flashback time!

The look of tight jeans with high waists were just ruined by VPLs everywhere! Jeez, those jeans just accentuated the butt and highlighted the VPL in all it's glory! Don't even get me started on the beauty enhancement pleats provided! Can you say front-butt?

Now that thong no longer means the flip-flops you wear on your feet and they can be found at every store, not just Frederick's of Hollywood. (Did you think I wouldn't give you the link?) The VPL is nearly extinct. But there are havens for the VPL. You can find them congregated at Wal-Mart on the first weekend of the month. Just look around, they aren't as extinct as you think! You may want to go puke afterward but sometimes, you just can't look away despite the view. It's like the camel toe. It's just painful to see. Click here for more on that. 

Now, with the VPL nearly extinct we have another phenomenon called the "whale-tail" that has to be addressed. Yes, all the guys thought it was cute when Britney Spears flashed her tail to the world; but Girls, let me tell you this...it is NEVER, I repeat...NEVER appropriate to flash it in church. Yes, middle-aged lady who sits in front of us with your cute Ugg boots, Juicy Couture purse...I am talking to you! More on this topic to come!

So, go look in the mirror...butt first and see if you, too, are a victim of VPL. You don't have to resort to thongs for VPL extinction, you just need to find a better PANTY...(shudder at the word)!

Words Society Could Do Without....

There are just some words that society could just do without....you know the ones that make you shudder every time you hear them? Some of the words that I could do without are horrible words and others are normal, everyday words that aren't offensive to anyone but me. Here are the normal (?) words I just can't stand....

Take the word "moist". Just say it slowly...mmm-oy-ssst! I just sounds, well...MOIST. Maybe its just the way people use it. 

"My jeans felt moist after I removed them from the dryer." 

Gag me! Just say they felt wet! DO-NOT-EVER-USE-MOIST-IN-A-SENTENCE unless you are talking about cake!

Another one I don't like is "panties". Can't you just say underwear? Panties is just so, so...YUCK. It's just something about it that sounds so wrong. I remember being a kid and my mom saying panties...

"Make sure you put on clean panties...". She would inevitably say that when we had a doctors appointment. Like the doctor ever looked at you and yelled because you didn't have clean "panties" on. 

UGH! Like I would put on dirty ones...well, maybe my son would but we would have bigger issues of he did!

Okay, there is one instance when it is okay to refer to "panties"....it's when you talk about VPL. The dreaded Visible Panty Lines! (Come back tomorrow for more on this topic!)

Another word? Supple...suuuup-pulll. It's like moist...who the heck ever uses the word supple in a sentence? Yes, they talk about leather with this term and really? What's so bad about saying it's soft? Okay, soft sometimes is not a great term when you are talking about CERTAIN things....(giggle) but for leather...trust me, it's ok!

What's even worse is if you hear moist and supple in the same sentence...it leads to instant upchuck...

What are some words that you just cringe when you hear? Let me know! I will add to my list.

April Fool's Day Memories

Ahhh, April Fool's Day. What a joke! You can stop rolling your eyes...it was corny, I know. Mother Nature brought a lovely present to us in Minnesota. Snow! This time of year I like to refer to it as White Shit. The only savings grace is that it doesn't smell like shit.

My morning view...YUCK!

Now that I have my morning cursing done, I can get on with the subject of April Fool's Day jokes. Kids LIVE for April Fool's day. Adults kind of just hope that nothing gets pulled on them...especially my hubby. I never planned for this joke but once I had the idea...I ran with it.

A few years back, the poor guy had to have a double hernia surgery. Because March is a non-fishing, non-hunting month, It was the perfect time because timing is everything! You know how men are? If they get a sniffle, they whine and cry like they are dying. Can you imagine a double hernia? Yup, I think you get the picture! He hadn't had his follow up yet when April 1 rolled around.

I was in my office at the local clinic and it struck me... I NEED, (yes, it was a need) to have someone call him and tell him that the mesh they used for his surgery was recalled! Oh boy....this is going to be fun! He had been complaining of a minor, pulling pain for a day or so...which I told him was normal for healing. Normally it was, but this tidbit was too good...I had to use it!

I had a coworker call him from her line and say she was from his doctors office. She told him that the mesh had been recalled but it was okay if he didn't have symptoms.

"Do you have any pulling-like pain?" asked the nurse.
"I do." says dear hubby.
"Oh...(hesitation in her voice)...well, we will need to see you ASAP as we need to do something about that. You need to call this number to schedule an appointment."

She gives him my direct dial number but he is so shaken up that he doesn't realize that it's mine! I am SOOOOOO bad! I giggle just thinking about it!

Ring, ring....I see that it is him. No, not all knowing, just caller ID! So I pick up the phone and answer it with his doctor's office greeting. His voice was shaky. I could hear the sweat dripping. Oh, man! I feel bad...I couldn't let it go on any further. That would have been torture! Give me credit, I am not THAT mean.

"Sorry dear, April Fool's Day!!!

Dead silence...and click! He hung up on me!

I was afraid to go home...very afraid! All is good, he finally forgave me, it took a while but it happened.

And I have never done another April Fool's Day joke to him again. Why? Well, as luck would have it...when he did go in for his follow up, they found that the mesh had slipped and was not doing what it was supposed to do. He ended up having to have his hernia repaired a second time. Ooops!

Happy April Fool's Day!