VPL....Code for Visible Panty Lines

VPL...this is the only time I will ever say panty...unless I want to get on my darling daughter's nerves since "panty" is on her list of WORDS YOU DON'T SAY. If you want to see more of these words, just look for my posting from yesterday! BTW- guys...there is a VPL for you too and that is a no-no!

From Photobucket. Courtesy of Million68

VPL used to be for everyone...except for strippers. They knew of the benefits of g-strings before the rest of us. And I am not talking about the dollar bills stuck along the waistband either! Remember the '80s when the first go-round of skinny jeans was in? And if you could't find peg leg jeans, you made them by rolling and safety pinning them? Girbaud jeans in particular? Flashback time!

The look of tight jeans with high waists were just ruined by VPLs everywhere! Jeez, those jeans just accentuated the butt and highlighted the VPL in all it's glory! Don't even get me started on the beauty enhancement pleats provided! Can you say front-butt?

Now that thong no longer means the flip-flops you wear on your feet and they can be found at every store, not just Frederick's of Hollywood. (Did you think I wouldn't give you the link?) The VPL is nearly extinct. But there are havens for the VPL. You can find them congregated at Wal-Mart on the first weekend of the month. Just look around, they aren't as extinct as you think! You may want to go puke afterward but sometimes, you just can't look away despite the view. It's like the camel toe. It's just painful to see. Click here for more on that. 

Now, with the VPL nearly extinct we have another phenomenon called the "whale-tail" that has to be addressed. Yes, all the guys thought it was cute when Britney Spears flashed her tail to the world; but Girls, let me tell you this...it is NEVER, I repeat...NEVER appropriate to flash it in church. Yes, middle-aged lady who sits in front of us with your cute Ugg boots, Juicy Couture purse...I am talking to you! More on this topic to come!

So, go look in the mirror...butt first and see if you, too, are a victim of VPL. You don't have to resort to thongs for VPL extinction, you just need to find a better PANTY...(shudder at the word)!

Get a Clue

Working with the public (not necessarily at large) you run into things that make you go WTH? (Trying to keep it PG13 here).

If you buy something that is supposed to work by doing A---->B---->C why do you complain when you don't do it that way and you do X---->Y---->Z? Then when it doesn't work or you totally mess it up...you expect people to rush in like the calvary to fix your screw up?!?!?

It's like being at the circus trying to clean up the elephant mess with 1 ply generic toilet paper with long finger nails! There are NOT enough rolls of toilet paper in the world for that type of mess!

Seriously when I was a consumer in a certain type of business I would have NEVER called into technical support and embarrass myself when I know I did something to really mess it up. Can you imagine this conversation?

Lady: "Oh my gosh, you have to help me."
MS: "What is the problem?"
Lady: "I was in my files on my computer and I accidentally deleted them."
MS: "Ok, have you gone into the Recycle Bin and tried to restore them?"
Lady: "Um, no...I think I cleaned the Recycle Bin out too."
MS: "You think you cleaned it out or did you really?"
Lady: "Well, if I did, you have to GET THEM BACK!! OMG my boss is going to kill me."
MS: "Which files did you delete?"
Lady: "Um...I did a control-shift-A and then hit delete when I was in the C drive. Now I can't even turn on my computer!!! You have to do SOMETHING!!!"
Lady: "Well ma'am, you will need to find your Operating System disk and reload. You wiped your computer clean."
Lady: "I don't know what you are talking about?!?!? JUST FIX IT!!!"
MS: "Sorry ma'am, if you can't locate the OS disk, there isn't much I can do."
Lady (crying hysterically now): "But you HAVE TO HELP!!!!!"
MS: "Ok, this is what you do...take your purse, go to Best Buy. Find the first salesperson in the computer section and BUY YOURSELF A NEW COMPUTER!"

Okay, they really wouldn't say that but that is what they are thinking. Seriously though...I wish you could buy clues at Walmart!

Certain things should not be okay in adulthood...

• Like, saying like and you know. ALL THE TIME....Like you know, we went to this movie, we liked it, you know. 

Um, no I didn't realize that you you like, liked it.

• Short tight shirts with low rise jeans. 

Muffin-tops should only be found in the kitchen or bakery wrapped in little fluted cups. Really, you don't need to wear mom-jeans but just get a size that fits you...Your body will thank you. Stacey! Clinton! Help is needed in aisle two!

• Ohhh, I know, right? 

Really? Do you have to let everyone know you know but then need affirmation that you know?

• Ugg boots with shorts

Just something wrong with that. Just because Britny can pull it off, doesn't mean you should either. You can tell the people that don't have to wear boots in the winter. All we want to do is get them off and put on the flip flops as soon as the snow melts. Besides, can you imagine the funk? If its warm enough to wear shorts...ditch the Uggs. 

Rockin' the Yoga Pants?

You have seen it, the person at the mall who thinks they rock the yoga pant. Really, its more like a boulder in the yoga pants. And I ain't talking about rock solid abs.

Now, before you get in an uproar over what you may perceive as skinny bias...let me clarify something. I am lucky that I have been able to maintain a healthy weight but even I know what I look like in yoga pants and if I don't like what I am seeing, neither would you. Yes, I have a bit of a belly (thanks to my kids!) and my legs are not as smooth as I would like them to be and I am proud to look the way that I do at my age. But, that doesn't mean that I want to flaunt it and make everyone behind me snicker "omg, what was she thinking?". Yoga pants are good for 19 year old string beans, toddlers (really, is there anything cuter?) and...I know...novel idea here but go with it...YOGA CLASS!

I do, however know some non-string bean gals who can pull it off and still look good...so it is possible...you just have to not worry about the size on the tag. But even skinny people can look ridiculous if the yoga pant is too small. Helllllloooooo!!!! Has everyone broken their mirrors? I mean, really....you can get full length mirrors at Walmart for less than $10. Take my advice, get one, use it and the eyes of the world will be happy.

Newsflash...camel toes should only be found on camels! That term is not an endearment!

Appropriate camel toe

Pictures from Wikipedia