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Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Whack a Prius

Are you a road rager?
I am. A dyed in the wool road rager. But only if you make me angry. So warning...DON'T DO IT. This is the only warning you get.

Prius drivers REALLY piss me off. They think they are holier than everything on this earth. All because they drive a "green" car. You know the ones. The wool-sock-sandal-wearing people who hug trees for fun. *shudder*

Daughter and I were on our way back from our girls weekend and had a nice two and a half hour drive ahead of us. Like clockwork, she falls asleep. Seriously? I am tired too you know!!! But like a mom, I suck it up and start tapping my feet to stay awake. I looked like someone having seizures. 70 minutes into the drive,  the Prius Troll passed for the first time.

Now, I drive a Subaru Forester (a new one, not one of the bell-bottom early 2000 models) so it's not like I have a complex of car envy because I have a crappy car. Nope. I just hate Prius drivers. Our neighbor drives a Prius. They are organic, they wear wool socks and sandals, and they are weird.

The Prius Troll was driving the Prius that screams "Look at me...I am saving the planet" (pale green). So she passed me. I was going about 73 mph. The way it flew (flying makes no the ninja cat hybrids do) she had to have been doing 80. I look over...she's on her phone. Of course.

Fast forward (no pun intended) a few miles down the road...I see her. And I am catching up with her. No worries. Maybe she had to pee. It happens.
So I pass her, still going 73 mph since I have a modern car with CRUISE CONTROL! I blow her away and I see her fading away in the mirror. Dang, she slowed waaaaayyyy down. No phone at her ear. Remember this.

Fast forward again...whoa...what is that coming up behind me so stealthily? Uh-huh...Prius Troll. She's gaining on my butt. She passes me. AGAIN. I see that she is on her phone. Hmm. Is there a pattern here?

Again, I am going 73 mph. Cruise control is a good thing. Just saying.

So I am tip-tapping my way down the road a few more miles...what do I spy? Yup, that dang Prius. Gaining on her. I pass her. As I do, I look over to give her the "look". As in the "WTH are you doing" look. Yessiree Bobby...not on the phone.

Doot-de-doot-de-doot....down the road I go. Look in my rearview mirror...This is really starting to torque me. It's the Troll again.

Me, pissed in a car? Not good. Not good at all.

I speed up and move over into her lane. No way in heck is she passing me AGAIN. I get along side a truck going about the same speed as me. She moves into the truck's lane.

I speed up.

She moves into my lane. I slow down. She moves over. I speed up.

I am getting a sick thrill out of this. (Insert extremely evil laugh track) I continue this for 3 miles. Each time she thinks she is going to get out from under my spell. I whack her. She looked like a drunk. Weaving back and forth between lanes, never knowing which one to be in.

I would have loved to keep messing with her but I gotta pee.

Ah good times.

So all you Prius owners out there...second warning...Don't mess with me!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Random Jury Duty Selection Process?

We received jury duty summons in the mail yesterday. Two of them! Thankfully neither of them are in my name.

(Insert evil laugh track here!)

My 19 year old daughter and husband were both selected "randomly" for jury duty for the same period of time. How random is that? I will admit, I was laughing my butt off when my daughter started wailing about it.
"What do I know about jurying?" Yeah, jurying...I actually looked it up because I thought it was another made up word. It means to judge. Who knew? That, my friends, is your worthless tidbit of the day.

Statistically, this should be nearly impossible to have 2 of 3 eligible people in a household selected for jury duty during a given time. 66% of our household got the summons. How the heck can THAT be random? I am thinking someone was just being a smartass during the selection process. I can hear the conversation now:

"Hey, how funny would it be if two people in the same house got summoned?", says government worker one.

"OMG, dude! That would be epic!", says government summer intern.

In unison; "LET'S DO IT!!!"

At least that's how I picture it. I know, I know, it is a dumb computer program.

What is so funny about this whole scenario is that my DH has been called up 3 times for jury duty to my ZERO! Twice for the county and once for the Federal system. I know my time is coming and I just jinxed myself but I could just NOT write about this. 

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day: How Much Is Mom Worth? - ABC News

If you were to put a salary on what you are worth as a mother, what would you think you should get paid? Would you underestimate your worth? Or would you include a performance bonus that showed what a great mom you were? Or would you penalize yourself based on the performance review from your kids? put together an insurance rating for moms. They say that a mom's worth is equal to $61,436/year.

Mother's Day: How Much Is Mom Worth? - ABC News

While I see the practical side of putting a dollar value on it, I don't think it is realistic.


It's not realistic because most moms have to be the Jill of All Trades, Master of the All to their kids and you cannot put a price on it.

All the things that moms do like giving birth (jeez, can you put a price tag on pushing a football out of our va-jay-jay? And then attempting it AGAIN...and again in some instances?), going without sleep for the first two years of life, sacrificing her perky boobs for the health of the child...there are the therapy sessions (disguised as shopping trips, concerts, road trips), bonding moments (movie nights with popcorn and ice cream) and the quiet times. How do you set a pay scale for those? You can't.

I love being a mom, but like most jobs, it can get rough at times. There is no book called "Mommying for Dummies", kids don't come with a manual and they sure as heck don't come with unlimited software upgrades.

Being a mom is hard work!

We try to do the best job we can; and at times, we fail. We have to remember, our grandmothers weren't perfect, our moms aren't perfect and we won't be perfect. It's those failures that we hope to learn from. As my kids get older, I realize that I have made mistakes and wish I could have a do-over. Maybe certain things would be different. But then, would the do-over have a "butterfly effect" and mess all the other good things in life that are there? We will never know.

We need to remember all the good things that we have done for our kids.

Like the time we were there for them when they crashed their bike and skinned their knees. We hugged them, cleaned the scrape and made the hurt go away. I wish all bad things could be washed away with a kiss and hug.

In the noise of life, it is sometimes hard to remember all of the good things that we do,because the good things happen so often and it is easier to focus on the fails. They stand out because they are unique.

So for this Mother's Day, take some time to remember the small things you do for your kids and count them as big. Because the little things that you take for granted, are going to be the big things that your kids remember the most.

Happy Mother's Day to all you moms...YOU ROCK!

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Not Happy Today

I am not happy today. I am beginning to think that I am doing something wrong.

My "new" hairstylist is already gone. This is two down in the last 5 months. I fretted and fretted over the fact that I had to find a new stylist in February and thought I had found nirvana. She listened to me, asked me questions on everything pertaining to my hair. How I style it, color it, shampoo, blah blah blah.

I loved my new haircut.

Now she is gone.

I am fearful again. I NEED a haircut and I need it now. What do I do? I make an appointment for another stylist. With a groan and sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I want to throw up.

So at 12:00, I will be trusting my hair to a stranger. AGAIN.

I just hope it's not me that is making them disappear.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I Want a Farm-Vegans Beware

Yup. I want a farm.

Traveling through the great state of Wisconsin today, I passed all these wonderful farmhouses, barns and bright green fields. It makes me want a farm.

But I don't want everything that goes with a farm. The cow poop smell. The cow patties and chicken poop, no way. I don't like the smell, looks and work that it would take. We had chickens one year. Yeah, me with chickens. We fed them, watched them grow and then chopped their head off.

Then we ate them.

They were delicious. Try explaining to your 4 year old where the chickens were when she came home from daycare. It would have been ideal if we had been done doing the deed but we still had a couple left to "take care of"

Gotta love my daughter. She wanted to see how it was done. So, like all good teaching moments, we did not let this go to waste. She has been around hunting all her life so it wasn't weird to her. She was pretty enthralled by it.

Maybe this is why she has always said she wants to find a dead body. I am surprised her college path isn't going to forensics.

So, I want a farm. So I can have a barn and a farmhouse with a wraparound porch, with a swing. Have to have a swing. 

Monday, May 2, 2011

Is it 5 O'Clock Already?

I work at home. My office is right across from my bedroom. My mommy day starts when my I hear my son start the shower at 6:15 am. My work day starts at 7 am.

We live out in the country with a well so that means that we have to "space" our showers out. And my son love's a long shower, and my daughter will be up soon. So what this means is that when I schlep myself and my coffee into my office at 6:45 am, I am usually still in my pj's. 

Some days I stay in my pj's all day. It all depends. Sometimes I will shower about noon or 3:00. Whenever the phone quiets down. Somedays, I don't get to shower at all. 

I know, TMI.

The days I shower. Or not. I might get lucky and get my hair done and makeup on right away. But I have never been lucky. Like today.

These are the days that I am thankful that my desk is situated so I can look out the window and see my hubby's truck coming. 

"Damn, it's 5:00!"

I run into the bathroom and quick as can be smear on some makeup and try to do something with my hair. All before he gets parked, gets his lunch cooler out of the truck and as I am hoping he has to put out corn for the ducks and deer that visit our yard. Just to give me a minute or more extra. And I need it. I have fine, thick straight, layered hair that looks pretty good after using a blow dryer and a round brush. Airdry? Flat and nasty. Ponytail time! Which is hard because I am growing out what was an awesome inverted bob that I loved until everyone else got it. The ONE time I do something before everyone else...everyone ends up with it, completely ruining it.


You are probably thinking, why would you bother? It's 5:00?!?!!?

I blame it on my mom. She was always one who "put on her face" EVERY morning whether she went out of the house or not. I miss her. But I think it all started with her.

Sorry, it's my undiagnosed ADHD....

I also blame it on the comments I have heard from husbands, boyfriends, friends about women they know. 

"She really let herself go after she popped that last monster cutie-pie out."
"She never puts make-up on anymore. She doesn't seem to care about herself."
"Did she just freaking roll out of bed?!?!!?"

Do I do it for my hubby? Mostly, but I also do it for me. If I don't want to look at myself, why would anyone else? He loves me no matter what but I like to look good when he gets home. I know, June Cleaverish.

Am I the only one who does this? Please tell me that I am normal.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

No Sleep for You!!

My husband has never had problems sleeping at night. He always made fun of me when I would have problems falling asleep or staying asleep. He would sleep through the baby crying, a storm brewing. You name it, he would sleep through it.

Not me. I never sleep through anything.

Now? I think he is going through manopause. Yes, you read that right...MANOPAUSE.

He is crankier than normal.Wakes up at 2:00 am for no reason and can't sleep. Is wanting a bigger garden. It's scaring me a bit. I wonder when he will tell me that he wants a sports car or something like that.

And I am silently gloating. Outward, I am being the good, understanding wife.

"I completely understand, honey. It sucks not being able to sleep."

As I hold myself back from saying.
"Suck it up. Pull up your big boy undies and get over it."

 I know, I am so wrong for being this way. But I still think it's funny as hell.

This is payback for all those nights I let him sleep when the kids were sick. For when I got up to feed the baby when he had to work a 12 hour shift. All the nights that I stayed awake to pick up the kids after a late dance or track meet. All the late night drives home from out of town soccer games BY MYSELF with the kids.

You know what they say....Paybacks are hell. And I am enjoying this. At least for now.

I hear my turn is coming.